With this as background, I thought it might interesting to consider scene description this week. So each day at 6PM EST / 3PM PST (U.S.), a GITS post featuring different approaches to scene description by various professional screenwriters.
[Note: I'll be using scripts from the last few years as representative of the most current trends in writing style.]
One key aspect re scene description that I didn’t mention in the linked post above is something I call narrative voice. It is the invisible character in your script — the mindset, personality, and ‘voice’ of the character who conveys the story, primarily through scene description, but also in transitions choices, pace, scene cross-cuts, etc.
Narrative voice is heavily influenced by the story’s genre – that is if you’re writing a comedy, your NV should be funny; if you’re writing a horror flick, your NV should be scary; if you’re writing an action movie, your NV should kick ass. In other words:
Narrative Voice = Genre + Style
Let’s start off this week’s series of posts with a look at the writing style of Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman as demonstrated in the screenplay for this summer’s hit movie Star Trek. This excerpt is part of a big action sequence, so we should be looking for a kick ass narrative voice:
EXT. PLASMA DRILL CYLINDER – CONTINUOUSThe platform BANKS — Sulu FALLS BACK, OFF THE PLATFORM –
WITHOUT A CHUTE! Kirk, holding on, watching this wide-eyed –
and knowing what he must do, he RUNS AND JUMPS –KIRK FALLS FAST, he’s only gonna have one shot at this, presses
his arms to his sides and ROCKETS downward, building speed, four
hundred feet below is Sulu, FREEFALLING –KIRK moves his feet and hands, angling toward him — slashing
downward at 160 mph, closing like a missile — the gap between
them narrows — Sulu’s 30 feet below him… 500 feet to the
planet surface. 40 ft — 20 — 10 — WHAM! Kirk slams into
Sulu in a mid-air tackle — they TUMBLE TOGETHER — Kirk’s made
the grab and locked his arms around Sulu in an iron grip,
screams in his face:KIRK
I GOTCHA! NOW PULL MY CHUTE!Sulu DOES — it opens — but HOLY FUCK, the double weight RIPS
IT — IT SNAPS AWAY FROM THEM — NOW THEY’RE BOTH FREE-FALLING
WITH NO CHUTE, THE GROUND COMING AT THEM FAST!KIRK (CONT’D)
ENTERPRISE, WE’RE FALLING WITHOUT A
CHUTE!!! BEAM US UP!!! BEAM US UP!!!INT. ENTERPRISE – TRANSPORTER BAY
The TRANSPORTER CHIEF works his controls, sweating — trying to
LOCK ON TO THEIR MOVING TARGET –TRANSPORTER CHIEF
I’m trying! I can’t lock on your signal!INT. ENTERPRISE – BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS
SNAP AROUND as Chekov hears this — watching his controls –
Uhura watching too –TRANSPORTER CHIEF (V.O.)
– you’re moving too fast!CHEKOV
– no– I can do that– I CAN DO THAT!!!Chekov suddenly BOLTS — Uhura watches him race off — a CREW
MEMBER steps into frame:CREW MEMBER
The black hole’s expanding, we won’t
reach minimum safe distance if we don’t
leave immediately.INT. ENTERPRISE – VARIOUS AREAS
Chekov SPRINTS through CORRIDORS — ENGINE ROOM — YELLING:
CHEKOV
MOVE! I CAN DO THAT! I CAN DO THAT!And we take him to:
INT. ENTERPRISE — TRANSPORTER BAY
– where he races to the controls, out of breath, yelling:
CHEKOV
I CAN LOCK ON! GIMME MANUAL CONTROL!
QUICK!– and he begins working the controls –
EXT. SKIES ABOVE VULCAN PLANET SURFACE – DAY
Kirk and Sulu SPEED-DROPPING — TERRIFIED –
KIRK
ENTERPRISE, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!INT. ENTERPRISE – TRANSPORTER BAY
Chekov’s manipulating a joystick-like TARGETING DISPLAY –
trying to match the CROSSHAIRS on the DROPPING FIGURES –CHEKOV
– holdonholdonholdonholdon!EXT. SKIES ABOVE VULCAN PLANET SURFACE – CONTINUOUS
A massive SHEET OF LAVA, MILES HIGH, BURSTS INTO THE SKY — Kirk
and Sulu enter frame, BULLET-WHOOSH right past us, DROPPING –KIRK
(headset)
NOW NOW NOW!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!!INT. ENTERPRISE – TRANSPORTER BAY (LOCATION CHANGE)
TIGHT ON CHEKOV as he struggles to lock onto them — BEEP!
CHEKOV
Compensating gravitational pull and –
GOTCHA!He HITS A BUTTON and –
EXT. VULCAN SURFACE – CONTINUOUS
5 FEET BEFORE THEY HIT THE GROUND, KIRK AND SULU DEMATERIALIZE!
INT. ENTERPRISE – TRANSPORTER BAY – CONTINUOUS
AND REMATERIALIZE, SLAMMING DOWN ON THE TRANSPORTER PADS, HARD
AND PAINFUL, BUT SAFE! Transporter engineers GAPE in utter
amazement and relief — Chekov, sweating, laughs. Kirk and Sulu
get their bearings, peeling themselves up, at stunned whispers:SULU
… thanks.KIRK
… yeah, not a problem.
So first question: Did that scene description kick ass? Yes. One seamless flow of action, told in a hyperbolic voice befitting the action. Of special note:
* Lots of CAPITALIZATION to (A) highlight specifics bits of action (The platform BANKS… he RUNS AND JUMPS) and (B) underscore key narrative elements (trying to LOCK ON TO THEIR MOVING TARGET).
* Lots of underlining and CAPITALIZATION to REALLY spotlight a key narrative element (NOW THEY’RE BOTH FREE-FALLING
WITH NO CHUTE, THE GROUND COMING AT THEM FAST!).
* Bold for all the sluglines – to make as clear as possible the shifts in location.
I invite your comments on those style choices as collectively they represent a bending of the ‘rules’. But don’t let that make you lose sight of the actual words Orci & Kurtzman use to both paint a picture of what’s happening and convey the furious pace of the action. To spotlight that, here is a list of verbs they use in SD in this excerpt:
banks, falls back, holding on, runs, jumps, falls, presses, rockets, moves, angling, slashing, closing, narrows, slams, tumble, locked, screams, opens, rips, snaps, free-falling, works, sweating, trying, hears, watching, bolts, watches, steps, sprints, yelling, races, yelling, begins working, speed-dropping, manipulating, trying to match, bursts, enter, bullet-whoosh, dropping, struggles, hits, dematerialize, rematerialize, slamming, gape, laughs, peeling.
Just tracking the verbs gives a reader a sense of the scene’s action and pace. O&K even make up verbs to get the point across: speed-dropping, bullet-whoosh. As a screenwriter, you can do that. In fact, you can do anything to grab the reader’s attention and sell the moment.
One last obvious note: Apart from the 3rd paragraph, which is 7 lines long, all the other paragraphs of SD are no more than 3 lines in length, most of them 1 or 2. Again befitting this type of scene — quick cuts, quick action.
What do you think about this approach to scene description?
For more on narrative voice, you can go here to read an article I wrote for Screentalk magazine.
And come back tomorrow for a different take on scene description.
I'm digging this new idea to feature different approaches to scene description. Looking forward to reading more.
In this segment, I felt like the writers did a good job of using strong verbs, short lines and caps to heighten the intensity and push the pace. But to me, the underlining seemed excessive and, at times, snatched me out of the reading. I could get with the caps, the bold slugs and the exclamation points. But underlining too? On top of all that? Overkill in my opinion. But the writing popped regardless.
The question of whether it is good or not, is whether it can keep the reader's attention. For action writing, it's going to be dense, so use whatever you can to keep THE FLOW GOING. Bolded sluglines, underlining specific actions, CAPS on all SOUNDS, and the bracing of
the
Sentence structure. It should read vertically and smoothly, and it does.
Also, the narrative voice; it's casual, informal, the script and the reader are friendly.
I hate to harken back to a cliche, but LETHAL WEAPON. It's a great script not only because of the story and the character, but notice how the action is braced…
As for STAR TREK, yes, it works.
I LOVE it.
I'm with James Hutchinson, I love this scene description feature too! Good call, Scott. I think many of your readers are going to benefit from this series.
Evaluating individual scenes is MUCH EASIER to digest than entire scripts.
LOVED the movie "Star Trek (2009)." NOT so impressed with the writing of this scene, but the scene itself is great on the screen, where it matters most.
Don't know about the rest of the GITS readers, but reading this gives me the confidence that says; YES, I can do this!
- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA
I've recently been seeing more CAP'd expo or BOLD slugs (Funny enough BlueCat dinged me for it – only sounds or eye-directed images). Haven't decided it's for me. I use so many Secondary Slugs, I don't see INT. very much in a cross cut scene.
Admittedly, I was really grabbed by the words, scene transition and cross-cutting. Very Un-Guru of you.
I rarely see even audio transitions, much less visual ones.
I like to go even farther and craft expo as per scene content to help with pacing.
I rarely have a sequence change (new camera location) that doesn't follow an image or sound, sometimes the "in one door\out the other" method.
I think you should concentrate on the scene transition with these as we are – as many say – scene writers.
What I'm curious about is the writer's involvement in the project when this scene was written: did they already have the job, or was this what they wrote in order to 'audition'? I think it makes a big difference who your audience is when it comes to scene description. A spec script has to stand entirely on its own, everything about the world of the story has to be conveyed as fully and clearly as possible, whereas if you know you're writing just for the director, actors and other personnel, maybe things can be a bit more informal. Not that I think this scene wouldn't stand just fine on its own in a spec; it's really good.
I don't understand why there's so much love For Trek 2009. It's a good film but I never understood why Kirk was selected to join the Academy, what special skills did he possess?
Great new feature.
I’ve had many a heated argument about this very thing…which is kind of sad when you think about it, I mean, there’s more important things in the world than capitalization and underlining, but I’m a nerd so…there ya go…anyhoo…
I think if they use or don’t use capitalization or underlining or hyphens or whatever, it all boils down to a few simple things: Were you excited about what you read? Could you visualize it clearly in your head? Did it make you turn the page?
Then the writer(s) did their job.
Done.
I'm reading this whole script right now and one thing that continues to trip me up in the scene descriptions is the constant cursing of Orci and Kurtzman.
I don't know about anyone else, but all the cursing gives the script a juvenile feel. Like if there was an audience of high school kids watching the film, they would describe it this way. A lot of it becomes unnecessary. I think the reason they get away with it is they were asked to write the screenplay. They weren't trying to sell the damn thing, so they had a lot of freedom.