H/T to @BittrScrptReadr for this link:

Unless you’ve been living in the moron cave on Retard Mountain, you’ve probably noticed that romantic comedies are big business. Movies like The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, that one with Matthew McConaughey and the treasure; they’re out there earning two and three hundred million dollars. And if you think that’s because they’re good, I’ve got news for you, retard, you’re retarded. The truth is, they make that kind of scratch because they tap into a familiar formula that boring people find comforting and recognize as one of their own, rather than attacking with pitchforks like they would an intellectual challenge, or the town ogre. And now, because I’m such a righteous dude, I’m here to explain that formula to you, the cretinous layperson. Because as they say, don’t hate the player. Learn to make cheap knockoffs of his product, drive him out of business, and make his dog like you better than him, because f-ck that guy, who does he think he is.

The 10 easy steps are:

STEP ONE: CASTING

Two people are going to fall in love, two people will be on the poster, and two people are the first step towards selling your movie.

STEP TWO: TITLE

The last thing you want in a rom-com is confusion or surprises, so your number one goal in a title should be an already-familiar phrase (preferably a song title) which communicates the entire premise. I.e., The Proposal, What Happens in Vegas, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Runaway Bride, 27 Dresses, Ghost of Girlfriends Past, The Break Up, My Best Friend’s Girl, etc.

STEP THREE: KOOKY FRIENDS

The basic rom-com formula requires boiling all men and women down into fairly narrow archetypes — the career woman who’s not ready for love, the chauvinist who’s not ready to commit, etc. Since the audience might find this sort of insulting, you must have supporting characters, the kooky friends whose extreme examples of male and female stereotypes (women be shoppin! men be watchin the game!) will give your leads the illusion of depth.

STEP FOUR: POPULAR SONGS USED IN PAINFULLY LITERAL WAYS

Again, you’re not painting the Sistine Chapel here. You’re basically rubbing a dog’s tummy. You know what the dumb animals like, just give it them (no offense to actual, cuddly puppies). And what the dumb animals like is songs they know, delivered in ways they understand. Therefore, when the couple has sex the first time, you need “Feels Like the First Time” by Foreigner (actual example from Valentine’s Day, btw); when she learns to stand up for herself, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin (Bridget Jones Diary — Notice that the link is in Italian and yet you can still tell exactly what’s going on? Perfect); when he sets off alone on a journey, “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake.

STEP FIVE: THEY DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER AT FIRST

(“Yer BlackBerry fried da whole town!”)

Here’s what happens in every rom-com: two people meet. Then they screw. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to fill another 90 minutes. Therefore, your leads have to start the movie hating each other. Maybe he calculates risk for an insurance company, and she’s a free spirit who loves Ethiopian food.

STEP SIX: BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS

(“I’m going to hit you with this microphone, and when you wake up, you’ll no longer be a respected comedian.”)

Okay, so you’ve got your attractive people, and you’ve established that they don’t like each other. Now you need some outside factors that will put them together whether they like it or not so they can fall in love.

STEP SEVEN: THEY KISS IN THE RAIN

Pretty self-explanatory, this one.

STEP EIGHT: THEY SPLIT UP AGAIN

(“But wait, he doesn’t even know how to bongo drum!”)

You have to fill 90 minutes, remember? And once the couple has fallen in love and kissed in the rain, you can’t just end there. Your audience needs a reason to cry. Rich women’s lives are so otherwise boring that they love things that make them cry the way your sister loves firemen. Therefore, your couple who’ve just fallen in love need to split up again.

STEP NINE: HE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY TO PROVE HIS LOVE

The most famous of these is of course John Cusack in Say Anything standing outside his special lady’s window playing “In Your Eyes” on his boombox like a homo (I would’ve gone with “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”).

STEP 10: PROFIT

If you’ve done steps one through nine correctly, your attractive white couple is living happily ever after and you’re making it rain in the strip club.

Now that’s some snark! But some truthiness in there as well.

Which of these steps do you think is the most overused in rom-coms? And which one is the most important?

Bitter Script Reader’s blog is here.